Letting Go

I had a passenger who was going home to bring all her things back to Philippines because she is resigning. I smiled and told her I was happy for her. But in my heart, there is a pang of jealousy. I wish I could do the same. To be able to do what you wanted and to be able to just leave this superficial world I am in right now.

No offense to those who love it here, sometimes I do too. Maybe I'm saying this becasue Ive been having a rough time in all aspects of my life. If not for so many reasons, I couldve and wouldve resigned as well If I could. But responsibilities and lack of opportunity in my own country keeps me glued here. ANd there is really nothing that you can do but live to the best of what this place offers you. It's not a bad place to be in, but I just feel sad. Lucky are those who have found true friends here, I have as well built some friendships, but the the time spent apart because of differing schedules doesn't help nurture the friendship. And sometimes, being the kind of person I am, I get too involved and end up feeling like a loser in the end. I feel like shit, needed only when they are in some kind of a mess and dumped when they are back with the ugly and meaningless relationship that they have.
I tried my best to be the kind of friend who sticks with you through whatever but in the end, I end up being the bad person. ANd I end up regretting I've ever known friends like you. Who suck up your energy and emotion when they need you and when they don't makes you feel bad for being who you are. Yes, I may be pathetic, but I am not an idiot who'd dump family and friends for a guy who nobody likes because he's a liar, and a big douche. I am letting you go, coz you fill my heart with hatred and I want to stop being bitter. I wish I never knew you people like you. The world has more than enough stupid people and I dont want to be friends with the likes of you.

I apologize for being so mad. But I am. ANd always, just always, the Lord whispers to me, that I do not have the most gigantic problem in this world. He Made me witness someone who should be in grief, but tries her best not to, while I succumb to loneliness because of my puny problems.

On board a flight, I saw a mother in immense pain, but never gives up, holding on to the baby in her womb. Trying her best to think that she will be fine. Pregnant and was bleeding so hard, the baby was delivered but was so tiny to live. Was so little to survive. My heart and spirit is broken, and I feel dumbfounded and sad. She looks me in the eye, seeking strength from a stranger, and I try my best to reassure her, that she would be ok. OK, being an understatement. My heart is pounding at the sight of her baby. How scary and yet so beautiful. Small and yet it looked like it fought for its life. Looked brave and looked like an angel. Fate was unkind. He was born at the wrong place and the wrong time. =( I hate it that the mother could still smile, I should be ashamed of myself feeling bitter and lost when this woman who just lost her own flesh and blood could smile and see hope. I feel different now. It's a sign that I should still be able to smile when I let go. In Times like this you know how important the people around you are. ANd the ones I was with, they were great, more than great infact that together, we were able to pull everything off. It was a sad but a good day.

Why do flights like this happen to me? I don't know. But I see it as a sign. That it is God's way of waking me up. It's hard to explain why things like this happen, and sometimes, it's always just easy to say that it just happens for a reason, and maybe it does. But it doesn't stop me from being sad here, but gives me hope that everything will be alright. It taught me that letting go is never easy, but letting go is the key. SO I let go of the hate and will turn my back, I wish you well, but you've lost me forever.

Noodle Bowl in Al Diyafa Street

Hakao - my hubby's favorite dim sum =)


Vegetable Fried Rice


Stir Fried Beef In Bean Sprouts


Their Specialty--- Barbecued Duck in Pancakes


Perfect with hoi sin sauce.

I missed Jollibee.

1 piece chicken and palabok , yummy, boarding pa lang ubos na!

Overthinking

Ive been overthinking for so many nights now. I know, it is soo unhealthy, i am up til 6 in the morning and be asleep all day and would wake up late in the afternoon. I barely have time for household chores, I am so guilty that my hubby has been cooking for himself lately. awwwww i'm a bad wife. =(

just because lately, ive been sad for so many reasons. and it has started to pile up, even shopping wouldn't cheer me up. it's just sadness, the kind that maybe only time can probably lighten up.

i feel bad that now, as I am writing this, my hubby is curled next to me, i want to embrace him and sleep but I tried for a couple of hours pretending I'm sleepy but I just can't. So now I blog.

My mom wants me to come home, coz her mom, my grandma has cancer and she's really really sick. last month, my closest cousin's mom died, and i cried for 2 days. it's just that I can't handle death, one after the other. even the thought of death just makes me sick. I go on flights looking and feeling like a zombie. I swear, i look pathetic.

I would love to come home in a heartbeat, if only my job would let me, but wouldn't. and the feeling of not being in control makes me sick to the pit of my stomach.

SO i think about cancer, how my mom had a tiny bit of it and was cured by radiation, and now how my grandma has it, and how my sister's mom died of it. It drives me nuts!!! my husband's two relatives has it, and one of my friend's dad has it and seriously it's making me paranoid. I would read on and on about cancer and the more it drives me crazy.

i also overthink about finances, mine, and other people's. it drives me mad how much money i have to have for my sister's education, for my mom's transplant, for helping my brother get a better job, money for so many of my loved ones, for my friends who need help, oh gosh you won't believe how much I want so much to help but couldn't. i hate thinking of money, it gives me migraines. and beautiful bags and jewelry and clothes are not helping either, I want so much to splurge on so many things but would always hold back, prioritizing what's essential is just mind boggling. In my heart I know that that black chanel jumbo flap lamb skin is essential, it's the one thing that would give me that superficial surge of happiness that i need but buying it now would mean my sister will have to stop studying for 2 semesters! it's crazy right? I would always remind myself of what my husband said on one of his letters, that not everything that makes one happy are material things. Oh well that bag has to wait.

i also miss my friends. the ones who really value you and accept you for who you really are. the ones you can have conversations with for hours and hours. the ones who make you feel less lonely. i am sad coz i try really hard to keep the few friends i have in dubai. and i just know that i have yet again lost one. but this one i'm letting go because she doesn't have passion for friendship as much as she does for relationships. i can be sorry for all the things ive said, but i cannot apologize for who i am, i cannot apologize for the person i become when i am your friend. and one thing for sure, i will never lie to you, even if it means hurting your feelings, but when you think of that as over acting, then you have never really considered me as a friend. and i regret. regret loving you, thinking about you and praying that things should be better for you. but will truly miss the friendship and laughs.

and then i would see bumps in everyone's tummies and cute babies even not so cute ones. i think of when i would get a baby bump, when i could get to be the sexy pregnant woman i have always imagined i would be hahaha, i am seriously going psycho. evryone's pregnant or having babies. i would really really love to have mine soon, if only i could, but the kind of person i am just wouldn't. I freak out at the thought of having to raise a baby in a recession filled planet. I want to be ready, very very ready. emotionally, financially and physically.

awww i'm so stressed. and exhausted.

i look at my husband, how peacefully he sleeps. i am so jealous at how he can sleep like a baby. i wish he can sleep for me too.

now i'm hungry. i refuse to eat. coz i overthink about how i used to wear a size 6 skirt for my uniform, and how i ended up begging the uniform store to give me a a new one. and guess what size fit me? size 10! imagine, size 10! oh my gosh. the guy at the uniform said, you're eating too much madam!!! and i almost answered him back with OF COURSE NOT, but that would make me a liar, coz I was eating more than alot, i was eating too much. argggghhhh. my cheeks won't lie too. one could easily see godiva all over it. guilty! damn those casseroles!

well hello sun! another day i have yet to sleep on has come.

Cheat Death For Me.

My grandmother is dying.

And she asked for me. And I do not know what to do.

I am miles and miles away. With no days off and no emergency leave available, I can only cry. There is no one to ask help from. No one can help. I have to still fly the flights I have, like nothing is happening.

And worst of all, you can't have tantrums on board, any form of human emotion other than happiness is not welcome within the confines of the aircraft and is always misinterpreted as attitude.

Oh well.

I hope I get the 5 days off I bid for so I can go see my grandmother, hug her, and tell her that I love her before she bids us all goodbye. even for just one day.

So wait me Lola, cheat death for awhile. i will see you soon.


this photo was taken 4 years ago, and this was the last time we were together .

I'm Craving Lechon.

Evrytime I have a Manila flight coming, I get crazy thinking about what food to eat. And I always end up craving lechon, particularly cebu lechon. I want to eat pork skin and dip it in lechon sauce, imaging the crspiness and the light crunch. =)

And when I get to Manila, I end up eating something else, because lechon is just too sinful. and just too bad for anybody's health.

SO I stare at this photo I got from the web, hoping by the time I get to Manila, I won't crave it that much anymore.



Lechon or Roasted Pork is the Philippines' National Dish as well as Adobo =)

Kanin Club Experience

Sarrrap, but too much. It's like eating for a heart attack in the making! They did not hold back on fats and cholesterol. Made to block those coronaries! be scared, be very scared.



We ordered their famous crispy dinuguan... At first bite, it was really really interesting because of the crunch to it. But after a few more you'd be feeling "umay" na because of all the fats probably. We didn't get to finish 1 order of it, so I took the leftover home to my sister... Oh my Gosh, come morning after and you'll see that what you just put in your body was all pork fat probably deep fried in more pork fat!!! arrrrgghh. Crispy dinuguan is indeed just pork chicharon in dinuguan sauce. I like the red ribbon or even goldilock's dinuguan more. =)


My preggers friend Gel was craving their crispy binagoongan... and so we ordered it as well. I had a taste of it, maybe i was expecting too much that's why I got dissappointed by it. It was nothing more that the ordinary binagoongan except of course for the crunch, which leads me back to the horrific idea of fats lingering and leading to my heart OR WORST, MY CHEEKS!!! wahhhhhhhhh!



This one, I like, we ordered sinigang na tadyang na baka. It was very very good =) The sourness was definitely from fresh tamarind fruit and not from the usual packs of knorr sinigang mix... The beef ribs are tender and the soup is really delicious. With the veggies just right, this was a hearty viand to order from kanin club.

We also ordered kare kare, it wasn't that great either. Well, there's just too much publicity to Kanin Club. Maybe eating there once would be enough, even twice would be ok as long as you don't order the crispy dinuguan!

Kanin Club is in UP-Ayala Land TechnoHub, Commonwealth Ave., Diliman , Quezon CIty Philippines.

For the First Time In My Entire Cabin Crew Life

Something's wrong with the third picture right?

DID NOT SEE THIS HAPPENING TO ME IN RUSSIA!!!
I was imagining my ass to be frozen and not fried hahahaha.
AND THE LAST THING I COULD EVER IMAGINE WAS AN ELECTRIC FAN IN MY ROOM!!!





WELL HELLO THERE SCARLETT ELECTRIC FAN! LONG TIME NO SEE!