Oh No!

i gained five kilos in two weeks of sulking. that means i gained 2 kilos and a half every week that i sulked. Oh my. and i will be gaining more if i don’t stop. So i declare to myself that im officially off the phase i created. i feel like my face is starting to look like a bit of ensaymada without the sugar…

Give Me Time To Sulk

yes, im sulking. i need to sulk, i feel that I do have the right to sulk, yeah. i sleep all day. wake up when im really dead hungry. eat anything i can whip up really fast which usually is instant noodles. and then go right back to sleep after that. life in dubai is creating a new me. a whole new me. i never thought i could stay home all day and just be alone. but now i am and im getting used to it. i feel like the more that i dont see other people the better i can deal with this solitary prison i call my flat. if the four walls in my room could talk, they would probably be yelling that i should go take a bath coz i stink. or maybe if my bed could only complain, it would say that im lazy and that my fat ass is getting heavier each day. i have pent up emotions inside me that only sulking can heal. feelings i would rather keep than blurt out. and i dont want to talk to people about me anymore.i dont want to be the same bubbly and perky person that i used to be. you know why? because if i get times like this, they feel that i dont like them anymore or that i love them less. and that there’s something wrong. but that’s not true you know. i feel that im going through a phase, i dont wanna call it a crisis as most people do because it’s not. i just want to let each day pass without my noticing it. i mean, like i dont exist. but the thing about this phase is, you cant do it completely, i mean like pretend that i dont exist because i do have a life though i feel im just momentarily losing some of it. and people i love freak out if i refuse to talk or see them. but i want them to understand is that being alone sometimes gets to me. and sometimes it does scare me. i didnt know that i can get used to it and eventually get to dwell on it too. i have never been alone all my life, i know i am not right now. but what i found out just recently is that when you are physically away from your loved ones, like your family, your friends, your lover, even if you like talk to them for hours on the phone and even if you chat with them all day long, you still feel so distant. you just get all the more lonely when you hung up the phone or you sign out of ym or skype or wherever. it just gives you the empty feeling everytime. and it sucks. and the thought that i hate the most is that i have to stay here for as long as i could because the job pays really well, not really well actually, it pays damn well. i work my ass like hell and get paid for it. and that works for me. realized that my dream job ever since i was a lil girl isn’t really the kind of dream it turned out to be but yeah, im thankful and blessed for it. didn’t realize at first that being cabin crew means being lunatic a little, schizophrenic a little, and losing yorself little by little. i didnt realize that being what i am now means i have to be professional in letting go. I mean, like i fell in love with rome but you have to fall out of love with it because you have to leave in 24 hours. you get too attached and you end up just hurting yourself. you don’t wanna leave but you have to. its crazy. this life that i have. but im happy and sad at the same time. vanessa’s line would be: im grateful. my line would be: im blessed. this job is more than just a dream, it made every of my loose ends meet. and for that, I praise Him. i spoke to one of my friends who asked me: why do you think they pay us this much for such an easy job? and i said: maybe because its dangerous. and now, after quite a while being in this world, i realize they pay us damn well not because it’s dangerous. but because they are paying us to be lonely. atleast for me that’s how i see it. they pay us for the loneliness that we feel everytime. and they pay us for each time we spend alone. wondering about how our loved ones are doing. they pay us for each moment we spend far away. the pay us for each moment, each birthday, each anniversary spent in our absence. am i living a dream? i dont think so. the places, the people, you’ll be surprised, they all look the same to me now. europe, asia, each lay over is the same. atleast maybe, how i feel about them is the same. same hurt, same urge, same sullen feeling of sadness. same me who wants to go home, be with mommy, daddy, regine, ricky, ninang, ate. be embraced by dante. but you know, everytime i go home, i feel like i just make things even harder for me… like im pouring alcohol over a wound. you think it will make you feel better but you feel hurt even more. and the ache grows even more intense. the only things left for you to cling to when you wake up and you’re back in dubai are the memories you had in 24 hours. and you rethink each moment over and over. and you remind yourself of how happy you’ve become in a day. and you feel like you never want to leave but you have to. you play it in your mind for as long as you can, but just like pirated cds they get scratched up as well so some parts may not be high fi as you remember it. and as you chew at boy bawang you realize it doesnt taste the same. when you bring a chicken joy and you eat it, it tastes more of mcdo. i mean, it’s not the same. maybe because these little things no matter how little makes you feel a bit closer to home, and consuming it makes you more of less lonely. does it? I mean even if i turn this prison aka my flat into a replica of my room @ home, will i feel better? I don’t know. that’s what i’m figuring out. and these are one of the million reasons why im sulking. now im a sulker and im going to master the art of sulking because i have the right to do so. so my friends, dont you worry if im not picking up the phone, ill call you back as soon as im not sulking anymore. word of the day? sulk. go figure what it means if you dont know. trivia: brooke called haley a sulker when she came back from the tour, if you dont get what i mean, it means you’re not a one tree hill freak like me. anyway, enough of this, ill get back to my sulking self. and be a pig. sleep eat sleep eat, whichever order.