Overthinking

Ive been overthinking for so many nights now. I know, it is soo unhealthy, i am up til 6 in the morning and be asleep all day and would wake up late in the afternoon. I barely have time for household chores, I am so guilty that my hubby has been cooking for himself lately. awwwww i'm a bad wife. =(

just because lately, ive been sad for so many reasons. and it has started to pile up, even shopping wouldn't cheer me up. it's just sadness, the kind that maybe only time can probably lighten up.

i feel bad that now, as I am writing this, my hubby is curled next to me, i want to embrace him and sleep but I tried for a couple of hours pretending I'm sleepy but I just can't. So now I blog.

My mom wants me to come home, coz her mom, my grandma has cancer and she's really really sick. last month, my closest cousin's mom died, and i cried for 2 days. it's just that I can't handle death, one after the other. even the thought of death just makes me sick. I go on flights looking and feeling like a zombie. I swear, i look pathetic.

I would love to come home in a heartbeat, if only my job would let me, but wouldn't. and the feeling of not being in control makes me sick to the pit of my stomach.

SO i think about cancer, how my mom had a tiny bit of it and was cured by radiation, and now how my grandma has it, and how my sister's mom died of it. It drives me nuts!!! my husband's two relatives has it, and one of my friend's dad has it and seriously it's making me paranoid. I would read on and on about cancer and the more it drives me crazy.

i also overthink about finances, mine, and other people's. it drives me mad how much money i have to have for my sister's education, for my mom's transplant, for helping my brother get a better job, money for so many of my loved ones, for my friends who need help, oh gosh you won't believe how much I want so much to help but couldn't. i hate thinking of money, it gives me migraines. and beautiful bags and jewelry and clothes are not helping either, I want so much to splurge on so many things but would always hold back, prioritizing what's essential is just mind boggling. In my heart I know that that black chanel jumbo flap lamb skin is essential, it's the one thing that would give me that superficial surge of happiness that i need but buying it now would mean my sister will have to stop studying for 2 semesters! it's crazy right? I would always remind myself of what my husband said on one of his letters, that not everything that makes one happy are material things. Oh well that bag has to wait.

i also miss my friends. the ones who really value you and accept you for who you really are. the ones you can have conversations with for hours and hours. the ones who make you feel less lonely. i am sad coz i try really hard to keep the few friends i have in dubai. and i just know that i have yet again lost one. but this one i'm letting go because she doesn't have passion for friendship as much as she does for relationships. i can be sorry for all the things ive said, but i cannot apologize for who i am, i cannot apologize for the person i become when i am your friend. and one thing for sure, i will never lie to you, even if it means hurting your feelings, but when you think of that as over acting, then you have never really considered me as a friend. and i regret. regret loving you, thinking about you and praying that things should be better for you. but will truly miss the friendship and laughs.

and then i would see bumps in everyone's tummies and cute babies even not so cute ones. i think of when i would get a baby bump, when i could get to be the sexy pregnant woman i have always imagined i would be hahaha, i am seriously going psycho. evryone's pregnant or having babies. i would really really love to have mine soon, if only i could, but the kind of person i am just wouldn't. I freak out at the thought of having to raise a baby in a recession filled planet. I want to be ready, very very ready. emotionally, financially and physically.

awww i'm so stressed. and exhausted.

i look at my husband, how peacefully he sleeps. i am so jealous at how he can sleep like a baby. i wish he can sleep for me too.

now i'm hungry. i refuse to eat. coz i overthink about how i used to wear a size 6 skirt for my uniform, and how i ended up begging the uniform store to give me a a new one. and guess what size fit me? size 10! imagine, size 10! oh my gosh. the guy at the uniform said, you're eating too much madam!!! and i almost answered him back with OF COURSE NOT, but that would make me a liar, coz I was eating more than alot, i was eating too much. argggghhhh. my cheeks won't lie too. one could easily see godiva all over it. guilty! damn those casseroles!

well hello sun! another day i have yet to sleep on has come.