Letting Go

I had a passenger who was going home to bring all her things back to Philippines because she is resigning. I smiled and told her I was happy for her. But in my heart, there is a pang of jealousy. I wish I could do the same. To be able to do what you wanted and to be able to just leave this superficial world I am in right now.

No offense to those who love it here, sometimes I do too. Maybe I'm saying this becasue Ive been having a rough time in all aspects of my life. If not for so many reasons, I couldve and wouldve resigned as well If I could. But responsibilities and lack of opportunity in my own country keeps me glued here. ANd there is really nothing that you can do but live to the best of what this place offers you. It's not a bad place to be in, but I just feel sad. Lucky are those who have found true friends here, I have as well built some friendships, but the the time spent apart because of differing schedules doesn't help nurture the friendship. And sometimes, being the kind of person I am, I get too involved and end up feeling like a loser in the end. I feel like shit, needed only when they are in some kind of a mess and dumped when they are back with the ugly and meaningless relationship that they have.
I tried my best to be the kind of friend who sticks with you through whatever but in the end, I end up being the bad person. ANd I end up regretting I've ever known friends like you. Who suck up your energy and emotion when they need you and when they don't makes you feel bad for being who you are. Yes, I may be pathetic, but I am not an idiot who'd dump family and friends for a guy who nobody likes because he's a liar, and a big douche. I am letting you go, coz you fill my heart with hatred and I want to stop being bitter. I wish I never knew you people like you. The world has more than enough stupid people and I dont want to be friends with the likes of you.

I apologize for being so mad. But I am. ANd always, just always, the Lord whispers to me, that I do not have the most gigantic problem in this world. He Made me witness someone who should be in grief, but tries her best not to, while I succumb to loneliness because of my puny problems.

On board a flight, I saw a mother in immense pain, but never gives up, holding on to the baby in her womb. Trying her best to think that she will be fine. Pregnant and was bleeding so hard, the baby was delivered but was so tiny to live. Was so little to survive. My heart and spirit is broken, and I feel dumbfounded and sad. She looks me in the eye, seeking strength from a stranger, and I try my best to reassure her, that she would be ok. OK, being an understatement. My heart is pounding at the sight of her baby. How scary and yet so beautiful. Small and yet it looked like it fought for its life. Looked brave and looked like an angel. Fate was unkind. He was born at the wrong place and the wrong time. =( I hate it that the mother could still smile, I should be ashamed of myself feeling bitter and lost when this woman who just lost her own flesh and blood could smile and see hope. I feel different now. It's a sign that I should still be able to smile when I let go. In Times like this you know how important the people around you are. ANd the ones I was with, they were great, more than great infact that together, we were able to pull everything off. It was a sad but a good day.

Why do flights like this happen to me? I don't know. But I see it as a sign. That it is God's way of waking me up. It's hard to explain why things like this happen, and sometimes, it's always just easy to say that it just happens for a reason, and maybe it does. But it doesn't stop me from being sad here, but gives me hope that everything will be alright. It taught me that letting go is never easy, but letting go is the key. SO I let go of the hate and will turn my back, I wish you well, but you've lost me forever.