So Broken Hearted Today

This morning when I called my dad, he said they received a call that a kidney match was found for my mom. I was overjoyed and overwhelmed at the same time. I was at my promotional training for a leadership role and immediately I felt like a lost child and I did not do what to do. I am enveloped with worry and the level of stress I felt was beyond what I could take. I wanted to immediately fly back home and know exactly what was going on, and what was happening. The torture of being so far away really is taking its toll. I called evry chance I had and after like 2 hours of not receiving another call, I felt we once again lost the kidney to someone else. =(

when I got the sms that it was given to someone else. I could no longer contain myself and had to know what went wrong this time and what exactly was the reason why it was not given to my mom. I left the training room and called my mom. Her voice is filled with disappointment and it hurt that it lacked of the usual positive tone saying maybe it wasnt really meant for her. She said she did not get it because she lacked of check up last month and this month. And this was because her doctor told her last February that she was OK for transplant and that she should have another check up only after three months. And now because of that, she did notget the kidney. What the fuck is that? It was the doctor who advised her to stop having check ups and now tha reason she was not qualified was because she lacked of it? How fucked up is that? It made me sick to my stomach that that was the reason why mom did not qualify. I am so confused and really starting to lose faith with her doctors.

The first time my mom almost got a kidney was last October 7, the day of my grandmother's funeral and my husband's bday, Mommy was in the province to pay her last respects for her mom and even if she did get the call, she wouldn't make it on time to do the procedure in Manila. And in my heart, I was scared that she might not be able to handle the transplant because she was hurting inside with my grandmother's death. So at that time, it was easier for me to accept that maybe it wasn't really meant for us. But the call today, I thought it was really going to be ours. =( I really hoped that it could be ours. but yet again, it was not.

What a coincidence that the first time she was called for a kidney, the donor had an accident with his motorcycle, he was a 19 year old male from Cebu, today, another 19 year old male had died of a motorcyle accident and he was a match to my mom. Sigh. I pray for their souls.

I am so sad today. So Broken. Im trying to convince myself it's ok but it's not. I am surprised at how I let the day go by with the training. Everyday my prayer is for a kidney. And today I would say it was somehow like an answered prayer but not just yet. I want to think that maybe it was not really meant to be. Maybe it really isn't.

Right now, I am finding solace from the thought that at this moment, this very day, there is a family rejoicing for the kidney that was meant for them and not us. I am sure somebody out there, is sooo happy , soo filled with joy with a successful kidney transplant. I am sour graping and it hurts. But the wait is almost unbearable and the thought of my mom getting disappointed over and over again is hurting me to my core.

I am scared, I feel that the hopeful in me is slipping away. =( Dont let me be like this Lord, give me hope, give me strength, give me courage to accept that not everything is within my control. That You will give me my heart's desire when you know it is the perfect time. Give mommy strength too, that she remain healthy for the transplant and that she would never feel forsaken by You. That despite her illness, that she too is equally blessed and loved by You.

Today at training, I felt people care deeply for me. Dana, a girl from Australia whom I'd known for only two days made me feel her sincerity. The way Janis looked at me, it was as if she wanted to take away some of my worries, I appreciate that she did not leave me throughout the day, she is such a good person with a very kind heart. i felt the whole group's genuine concern. Thank you Lord for the people you surround me with. I am reminded that you would never give me challenges like this that I wouldnt be able to bear.

So tomorrow is another day of waiting.