My Story

I was so inspired by my wedding planner's story of her life that I decided I should share mine as well...

here goes... very long read....

I was born in Perpetual Succor Hospital in Manila. My aunts told me I was

supposedly born in St. Jude Hospital but then they found out how expensive

it was going to be there and so they ran away and escaped. My mom's name is Meriam,

she is from Butuan City in Agusan del Norte. And my dad, his name is Oscar and

he is from Bulacan. They met in MAnila, in my grandma's boarding house, they were

neighbors. My grandma owned a carinderia in Padre Campa. They were married in

Butuan, with just my dad as a representative of his family.

For as long as I could remember, mommy was always abroad. She worked as a nurse

in Saudi Arabia. I was brought up by my aunt and ninang Violet. I was five when

I started living with her. To her I owe whatever it is Ive become now. We used to

live in a very big house, which had a very long staircase. She would carry me on

piggy back through the stairs evry morning before school. She brought me up

like I was her own daughter. Everyone knows that I am her daughter. She told

evryone about it. So that everytime mommy arrives, I get confused what to tell

people. Ninang is a disciplinarian. She is tough. Very stingy and was a bit obsessive compulsive. She taught me so many things, and made me the best that I can be.

I felt like an only child. My brother however, was in the care of my dad. He

did not have all the special attention that I was getting from ninang. Ninang raised

me well. She gave me evrything I needed, but not everything I wanted. I was explained properly why I can't have a barbie doll house, that it was waste of money and that it will only accumulate dust. She enrolled me in ballet, piano lessons, i was a girl scout, a cathechist and all that. She wanted all the good things for me.

I grew up differently. Coming from school, I get dropped off in her RTW store.

It is called Vayolet's Gift Arcade. Since kindergarten till mid of high school,

I was in that store all afternoons, weekends, and holidays. I grew up in that

gift shop. I was a trained sales girl since I was little. Christmases were spent

selling gifts and clothes through the day, and sleeping through noche buena of

fatigue.

I remember one night when ninang, and mommy and daddy were arguing. Ninang was so

furious because mommy and daddy were taking me back from her. She was crying

of anger. I was literally being fought for. My other arm was with ninang and the

other with daddy. If only I could divide myself. I know how painful it was for

ninang. But mommy would like our family to be whole again. She decided she wants

us together.

I went to live with our family. In a very small apartment. It was so different

living with ninang. I lived with my brother Ricky. We were close but we had a

very different upbringing. There were times when we didn't have any money to buy

food, and they would ask me to go to ninang and ask money. For everthing else

like electricity bills, tuition fee, clothes, ninang provided almost for evrything.

When I started college, ninang said she wouldn't send me to school if I don't go

back and live with her. And so I did. Mom and dad didn't have a choice. Halfway

through college, mommy decided to go back to Saudi Arabia. So that she could send me and Ricky and Regine to school. And so she did. Little did we know that she was having illnesses. That she has always had health problems.

I remember, as a teenager, i was very difficult. I had a boyfriend at a very early

age. I was with the same guy for years. Things went wrong and terribly bad

with him. His family hated me, not knowing what I went through with their son.

I had a bestfriend since grade two, and I lost her because of my first boyfriend.

I had a very good friend since high school and she died brutally in the hands

of her drug addict cousin. Til today, I keep in touch with her mom and she's

always happy to see me, and tells stories of what could have beens if Apple was

alive.

I met my bestest friends in college. Mindy in UP Baguio, Graciette and Joselito

in UP Diliman. They have always been there for me. These people are my treasures

in life. We all went from crazy and stupid to grown ups and still crazy.

I had strings of flings and boylets. I am ashamed of this. I have treated men

badly because I never felt what it really was to be loved unconditionally.

I met another guy. And thought that he was the one. But we had to part ways when

my mom's kidneys failed and I had to be the bread winner of the family. I had to work hard so we can afford dialysis. It is the only way for me to help my mom. The distance was difficult and made me realize what I really want in life. That I knew there was love, but love wouldn't be love without trust and commitment. That the future won't just lay itself on you. You have to make it. I did not see his drive for life. I did not see his drive for our love. The gaps have become bigger and bigger andcan no longer be mended. I was stupid and had mistakes that broke me.  I had given up on love and I was broken. And empty. I never felt so alone in my life.

It was in the lowest and darkest point in my life when I met Sonnie. He brought

light in my life. I knew that he saw me so broken and he was just always there

to listen to me. And somehow, fix me. I told him everything there is to tell about me.

And I did not feel any resentment from him... only acceptance and later on, love. Our love started from friendship which whirlwind into love. His faith in me and what I can be has made a better person. we love each other deeply and unconditionally. I never thought I could love this way. I am so happy I met him and now I am so happy that soon he will be my partner in life. my husband and my bestfriend.

My friends tell me taht to love me is complicated. I have my whole family to support. I send my sister to college. My mom has been on dialysis treatment for almost three years now. Three times a week dialysis. She is being worked up for a kidney transplant. Through this, we found out there was a tiny cancer cell in her thyroid, and she had to go through radioactive treatment. She had consistent

coughs which was mistaken to be tuberculosis. She was given wrong medication and she

is now partially blind. She can't walk properly because of all these. You may think

that because of all these, she might be unhappy or miserable. But she is not! She is happy and still very thankful that she is with us. She is crazy about her grand son, Vaughn.She doesn't mind being blind. She still feels hope. That one day, she can see again. In God's own time, we know she will. My mom is my strength. I don't see my family as obligations.

I love them dearly and I will continue to support them no matter what. Ive explained all these to Sonnie, and he doesn't mind at all. He understands all of my baggages and he vows to help me with everything that I want to do in life. All he wants in return, is for us to share each other's lives and commit ourselves into always being there for each other. He sees himself waking up with me and travelling places with me, having baby girls with me , and having to say i love you's over and over again with me.

I have always seen myself as lucky. I have been through lots of things in my life. Yet I am here. Still sane. And happy. I find joy in little things, and I never ever forget to call on Him. It is true what they say, that He will never forsake us. And I have never ever felt Him leave me, not even for a minute.

Tres MAnilas

Ang saya saya maging top bid! three manilas all 2 days. ang saya saya ko! iniisip ko na ngayon pa lang ang mga kakainin ko. jollibee chicken joy, lechon, crispy pata, wow.

The Day I said Yes!

I Realized

i thought it would be a dream come true to be crew.

i didnt realize how tough this job could be.

but to most of us, to be one is a blessing

and i share the same sentiment. i am blessed.

to be where i am now, to be with the people around me.

to be loved. to cherish friendship.

to live life.

my life is my family.

i am in where i am now because of them.

my love for them, it drives me.

and i long for their embrace every single day.

its sad to be far away,

missing all birthdays, and holidays.

but when i think about it, i still feel all's worth it.

i am a fan of friendship. and ive made a few here.

its amazing how each of their life stories vary.

and it never ceases to touch my heart

that every filipino crew is here for one reason

and that is Love. be it for their family, loved ones

it all boils down to LOVE.

each turn around, dragging layovers

they seem to be bearable.

with the thought that we're doing this for a reason

and that reason is home.

Home is where all our hearts are.

dhaka turn arounds, karachi

oh bombay. my spirits sink.

but i am even more blessed to have someone

i can come home to.

to give me a peck and a warm hug

to remind me that its just a flight.

its not my life

leave ur work behind.

there's more to this life

and to start living it,

you need to love it.

J Class Upgrade

at ate micel and nico's wedding with my best friends...

First Time In Paris, France

First Time in Shanghai, China

Oh No!

i gained five kilos in two weeks of sulking. that means i gained 2 kilos and a half every week that i sulked. Oh my. and i will be gaining more if i don’t stop. So i declare to myself that im officially off the phase i created. i feel like my face is starting to look like a bit of ensaymada without the sugar…

Give Me Time To Sulk

yes, im sulking. i need to sulk, i feel that I do have the right to sulk, yeah. i sleep all day. wake up when im really dead hungry. eat anything i can whip up really fast which usually is instant noodles. and then go right back to sleep after that. life in dubai is creating a new me. a whole new me. i never thought i could stay home all day and just be alone. but now i am and im getting used to it. i feel like the more that i dont see other people the better i can deal with this solitary prison i call my flat. if the four walls in my room could talk, they would probably be yelling that i should go take a bath coz i stink. or maybe if my bed could only complain, it would say that im lazy and that my fat ass is getting heavier each day. i have pent up emotions inside me that only sulking can heal. feelings i would rather keep than blurt out. and i dont want to talk to people about me anymore.i dont want to be the same bubbly and perky person that i used to be. you know why? because if i get times like this, they feel that i dont like them anymore or that i love them less. and that there’s something wrong. but that’s not true you know. i feel that im going through a phase, i dont wanna call it a crisis as most people do because it’s not. i just want to let each day pass without my noticing it. i mean, like i dont exist. but the thing about this phase is, you cant do it completely, i mean like pretend that i dont exist because i do have a life though i feel im just momentarily losing some of it. and people i love freak out if i refuse to talk or see them. but i want them to understand is that being alone sometimes gets to me. and sometimes it does scare me. i didnt know that i can get used to it and eventually get to dwell on it too. i have never been alone all my life, i know i am not right now. but what i found out just recently is that when you are physically away from your loved ones, like your family, your friends, your lover, even if you like talk to them for hours on the phone and even if you chat with them all day long, you still feel so distant. you just get all the more lonely when you hung up the phone or you sign out of ym or skype or wherever. it just gives you the empty feeling everytime. and it sucks. and the thought that i hate the most is that i have to stay here for as long as i could because the job pays really well, not really well actually, it pays damn well. i work my ass like hell and get paid for it. and that works for me. realized that my dream job ever since i was a lil girl isn’t really the kind of dream it turned out to be but yeah, im thankful and blessed for it. didn’t realize at first that being cabin crew means being lunatic a little, schizophrenic a little, and losing yorself little by little. i didnt realize that being what i am now means i have to be professional in letting go. I mean, like i fell in love with rome but you have to fall out of love with it because you have to leave in 24 hours. you get too attached and you end up just hurting yourself. you don’t wanna leave but you have to. its crazy. this life that i have. but im happy and sad at the same time. vanessa’s line would be: im grateful. my line would be: im blessed. this job is more than just a dream, it made every of my loose ends meet. and for that, I praise Him. i spoke to one of my friends who asked me: why do you think they pay us this much for such an easy job? and i said: maybe because its dangerous. and now, after quite a while being in this world, i realize they pay us damn well not because it’s dangerous. but because they are paying us to be lonely. atleast for me that’s how i see it. they pay us for the loneliness that we feel everytime. and they pay us for each time we spend alone. wondering about how our loved ones are doing. they pay us for each moment we spend far away. the pay us for each moment, each birthday, each anniversary spent in our absence. am i living a dream? i dont think so. the places, the people, you’ll be surprised, they all look the same to me now. europe, asia, each lay over is the same. atleast maybe, how i feel about them is the same. same hurt, same urge, same sullen feeling of sadness. same me who wants to go home, be with mommy, daddy, regine, ricky, ninang, ate. be embraced by dante. but you know, everytime i go home, i feel like i just make things even harder for me… like im pouring alcohol over a wound. you think it will make you feel better but you feel hurt even more. and the ache grows even more intense. the only things left for you to cling to when you wake up and you’re back in dubai are the memories you had in 24 hours. and you rethink each moment over and over. and you remind yourself of how happy you’ve become in a day. and you feel like you never want to leave but you have to. you play it in your mind for as long as you can, but just like pirated cds they get scratched up as well so some parts may not be high fi as you remember it. and as you chew at boy bawang you realize it doesnt taste the same. when you bring a chicken joy and you eat it, it tastes more of mcdo. i mean, it’s not the same. maybe because these little things no matter how little makes you feel a bit closer to home, and consuming it makes you more of less lonely. does it? I mean even if i turn this prison aka my flat into a replica of my room @ home, will i feel better? I don’t know. that’s what i’m figuring out. and these are one of the million reasons why im sulking. now im a sulker and im going to master the art of sulking because i have the right to do so. so my friends, dont you worry if im not picking up the phone, ill call you back as soon as im not sulking anymore. word of the day? sulk. go figure what it means if you dont know. trivia: brooke called haley a sulker when she came back from the tour, if you dont get what i mean, it means you’re not a one tree hill freak like me. anyway, enough of this, ill get back to my sulking self. and be a pig. sleep eat sleep eat, whichever order.

First Time In Nice, France